today one of my friends pointed something out to me , that really got me thinking. she told me that she has honestly never seen me in a bad mood. this sort of bothered me in a way. it's almost as if i feel like i'm fake. half the time i don't smile because i'm happy , i smile to cover up how i really feel. i sort of feel like i'm constantly pretending. don't get me wrong , i have amazing friends who constantly make me laugh and i enjoy being around but i find most of my day is spent daydreaming. i can barely focus on the present because there never seems to be a day where something doesn't go wrong. i never , ever used to be like this. i would always ignore any negativity or try my best to fix things and move on. but now a days , i find myself dwelling on every little bad thing that may happen. it's incredibly annoying. i wish i could just forget everything and start fresh. another thing that i have noticed , is that i frequently regret things. someone told me , 'never regret something that once made you smile.' i wish i would stop reminiscing and concentrate on the present / future. yes , i really do miss a lot of things that have happened in my past , but i don't think it's going to do me any good right now but constantly thinking about it and wishing that i could go back.
kk , so going back to the whole bad mood thing. lately people have really been getting on my nerves. i don't know if it's just me , or they're just acting even more annoying than usual. half the time i get mad over the littlest things. stuff that would have never ever phased me , bother me so much. i hate it. i feel so incredibly mean because i'm always complaining and i noticed that i've been spazzing a lot. for example , this person is getting mad at me , currently , because i started talking to him again. like what the heck. it has nothing to do with you whatsoever. i guess i would understand if you were somehow involved in the whole situation , but you have not right to judge me and get mad because decided to be the bigger person and let it go. if you're the type of person that likes to hold grudges , then good for you , but thats not me. sure , i do get mad and i may not be all that forgiving at first , but eventually i start feeling guilty. i don't think i'm the kind of person that enjoys pissing people off , but i see you are. if you wouldn't mind , could you please mind your own business and stop judging because i'm sick of it. it would be much appreciated.
i don't understand guys. one minute they talk to you and act like they're your best friend , and then they turn around and completely ignore you like they don't even know you. i know three in my life at the moment , who i thought were my best friends. we've been through a lot and were pretty close , but each of them seem to go through stupid phases where they won't speak to me at all. obviously i wouldn't be mad if they actually had a legit reason , but none of them do. they just decide that 'oh , lets not talk to her . ' either they don't realize how much it hurts me , or they couldn't care less. i get so mad because i'm the only one who tries to make things better. if i weren't there to persist and ask what's wrong , we would never speak to each other again. it's always up to me to make the first move. not even with these specific people. whenever it comes to me and you , i'm the one who has to say hi first. i'm the one who has to try and make the conversation last more than just a hello and goodbye. i'm the one who's always left hurt , because you're too inconsiderate to care or try to notice. it's like all of you are oblivious to my feelings , but when it comes to you , i have to think about what i'm going to say before i say it and i have to watch my words just incase they come out wrong or i 'offend' you. i hate all of these one way relationships.
something must be wrong with me. this feeling of envy is getting to the point where i have such a feel of hatred toward them that i actually swore out loud. i don't know what to do anymore. it bothers me that it's okay for you to get mad and assume that i'm going out with him , when im not and i don't act like it , but it's not okay for me to question your actions and feel jealous hen you're always with them.
